


Wolf Fang Fillet

by AGirlNamedEd



Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: Cooking Show, I mean this is one way to make money I guess, M/M, Slow Burn, because Yamcha's actually a good cook, developing feelings, online cooking show, the relationship not the food
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-10-29 09:44:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10851414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AGirlNamedEd/pseuds/AGirlNamedEd
Summary: In an attempt to make a few bucks, Yamcha starts up an online cooking show. He ends up giving all the food he makes to Tien, and somehow Tien ends up making a few appearances on the show itself. Yamcha's online fans are very appreciative of this...especially a few who know Yamcha very well.





	1. Peanut Butter Thumbprint Cookies

**Author's Note:**

> Hi I'm Ed and welcome to yet another AU that started in the Discord chat and got out of hand and I got too invested in and anyway here we are
> 
> [Here's the recipe](http://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2013/02/chocolate-peanut-butter-thumbprint-cookies-recipe.html) Yamcha makes in this chapter! Hope you enjoy!

“Hi there, and welcome to Wolf Fang Fillet!”

Yamcha frowned, adjusted his apron, and started over. “Hi there! My name is Yamcha, and welcome to Wolf Fang Fillet! Ugh, that’s not right, either.” He ran his hands through his hair and blew out a sigh of frustration. It was just the opening to a stupid cooking video; why was this so hard? But nothing sounded quite right, no matter how he phrased it.

Yamcha straightened, plastered a smile, and gave it one more go. “Hi there! Welcome to Wolf Fang Fillet. My name is Yamcha, and today we’re going to be making peanut butter thumbprint cookies!” He gestured to the table full of ingredients in front of him. “Thumbprint cookies are pretty simple, but very tasty. You’re going to need butter, flour, brown sugar, white sugar, an egg, vanilla extract, baking soda, baking powder, and, of course,” he hefted the jar of peanut butter and grinned at the camera, “peanut butter.”

The rest of the filming proceeded fairly smoothly. There was one small incident where he had a hard time setting the tripod at the right angle to get a good shot of him putting the cookies in the oven, but aside from that it went off without a hitch. Yamcha looked around his kitchen at the mess he’d made. “While they’re baking,” he said to the camera, “you might want to clean up your kitchen. Because if you’re anything like me, you’ve probably made a huge mess.”

He was halfway through washing the paddle for his electric mixer, his hands soaking wet and covered in soap suds, when the oven timer went off. Yamcha swore loudly and yanked his hands out of the sink, drying them frantically and grabbing for his oven mitts. He pulled the pan out of the oven and set it on the stove before standing back proudly. The cookies looked great—perfectly shaped and spaced just enough that they hadn’t baked into each other. Yamcha picked up the camera and got a quick shot of them fresh from the oven before transferring them to their cooling rack. He prepared the second cookie sheet and set the timer and went back to his dishes, keeping a closer eye on the timer this time.

By the time it went off again, Yamcha’s kitchen looked significantly better. He set the camera up again, this time closer to the stove. Hopefully the kitchen’s lackluster lighting wouldn’t be too big of a problem with the filming. He played around with the camera’s brightness settings before he started filming again, eventually settling for what he could get. It wasn’t exactly a very expensive camera, after all. “Once the cookies are cooled, you can start on the ganache,” he explained. “It sounds all fancy, but it’s really just melted chocolate and cream. You’re going to want bittersweet chocolate and heavy cream—the carton should say 38% on it.” He gestured to the double boiler on the stove behind him. “If you don’t have an actual double boiler, you can just put the pot you’re melting the chocolate in in a bigger pot of water. Don’t put too much water, though.” He turned the burner on and started breaking apart the chocolate. “Bring the water to a boil before you put the chocolate in so you don’t burn it by accident.” After a pause where he started stirring the chocolate, he added, “You could also just use jam or a piece of semisweet chocolate instead of the ganache, but where’s the fun in that, you know?”

After carefully spooning the melted chocolate and cream into the indents of the cookies, Yamcha got a few more shots of the cookies in better light and set up his tripod again. He grinned into the camera, holding a plate of the cookies in front of him. “Well, that’s it for today! Thanks for watching, and let me know how your cookies turn out!” He gave the camera a wave and walked over to shut it off. Now all he had to do was edit the video, post it, and hope for the best.

Oh. Right. And he also had four dozen cookies to get rid of. He glanced at the baking sheets full of peanut butter thumbprint cookies. Maybe he hadn’t thought this internet cooking show thing through very well. If he was going to be making stuff like this more often—and the best way to get lots of views was to post lots of content, so he needed to post as often as possible—he’d have a ton of food to get rid of.

There was always Goku, of course, but Chi-Chi might get upset if he started bringing them food all the time, thinking it was an insult to her cooking. Vegeta was out, of course. While Yamcha didn’t exactly hate the guy, he wasn’t about to go around bringing him free food. If he did it once, Vegeta would never leave him alone about it.

He drummed his fingers on the desk while he waited for his computer to boot up so he could edit his footage. Maybe he could give some to Tien. He did just take in all those new students, after all. Surely he wouldn’t object if Yamcha spoiled them just a little.

~~~

“This is really too kind.” Tien cradled the basket in his hands, staring at it like he wasn’t sure what to do with it.

Yamcha flipped his hair over his shoulder and grinned. “Nah, don’t worry about it. I had to get rid of all those cookies somehow, right?” He didn’t add that Tien was the furthest option from him, and he needed to do something to distract himself from constantly checking his video to see how many views he had. He’d only gotten three the last time he checked, and he wasn’t sure how many of those were him refreshing the page. Granted, at that point it had only been about an hour since he’d posted it, but it was still causing him some anxiety.

“Well, thank you. I’m sure everyone will appreciate it.” Tien gave a small smile and Yamcha wondered if it was weird to count Tien smiling as a personal victory. “How’s the cooking show working out, by the way?”

“This is my first one.” Yamcha shrugged. “So we’ll see, I guess.”

Tien clapped Yamcha on the shoulder. “Well, don’t worry about it. I’ve eaten your cooking before, and it always turns out great. I’m sure you’ll have a great show.”

Yamcha patted Tien’s hand. “Thanks, Tien.” He looked around. “You need a hand with anything here?”

“I’ve got things pretty well under control.” Tien looked over towards the courtyard, watching his students run through their drills under Chiaotzu’s watchful eye. “But if you want to stay for dinner, you’re always welcome. It’s nothing fancy, just rice and pork.” He caught Yamcha’s eye and smirked. “But some kind soul gave us homemade cookies for dessert.”

Despite himself, Yamcha felt a flush rise to his cheeks. “That—that sounds nice. Yeah.”

~~~

Yamcha stretched as he walked into his apartment. Evenings with Tien were always nice, even if he was a wet blanket who made his students go to bed stupid early so they could be up at the crack of dawn to meditate under waterfalls or whatever dumb training shit they did. He really should spend more time out there.

His gaze landed on his computer and he hesitated. On the one hand, he didn’t want to check his video again only to find that nothing had changed in the whole time he’d been gone. But on the other hand, if he didn’t check he’d lose his mind wondering.

He sat at the desk and turned the computer on. Well. May as well get it over with. His leg bounced as he waited for everything to load. Taking a breath, he clicked on his cooking video and waited.

According to his statistics page, he had fifty-two views, sixteen shares, and one comment, which said the cookies looked “really tasty.” Yamcha stared before breaking into a grin. He had viewers. Maybe this venture would be worth it after all.


	2. Cocoa Rum Balls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamcha makes rum balls and gains a taste tester.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Here's the recipe](http://allrecipes.com/recipe/17238/cocoa-rum-balls/) Yamcha makes in this chapter! My roommate said I should have something with alcohol in it. So uh. Rum balls.

“Hello and—” Yamcha cut himself off and frowned. “No, wait, shit, that’s not how I did it the first time.” He wracked his brain and finally settled on just going back to the computer to check his first video. “Hi there! Welcome to Wolf Fang Fillet. My name is Yamcha, and today we’re going to be making cocoa rum balls.” He grinned and shoved his hands in his pockets. “If there are two things I love, they’re chocolate cookies and rum. So this is kind of the best recipe ever. It’s also a no-bake recipe and a pretty simple mix and shape cookie recipe, so it’s perfect for beginner bakers. You’re gonna need vanilla wafers, chopped nuts, confectioner’s sugar, cocoa, corn syrup, and of course whatever brand of rum you like.” He held up his half-empty bottle so the audience could get a better view. “I like Kraken, but whatever floats your boat.”

He adjusted the camera to get a good view of the plastic bag full of wafers. “First thing you’ll want to do is crush up the vanilla wafers. You’re going to need about a full twelve ounce package, so just shove them all in a bag.” He held it up for the camera. “This is the best part. I mean you could just use a rolling pin for this but where’s the fun in that, you know?” He started crushing up the cookies with his hands, enjoying the crunching sound. “Better than a stress ball.”

Yamcha went through the whole process of mixing, doing his best to get good shots of every step. Finally, he rolled the cookies in icing sugar and stacked them neatly in a plastic container. “Now all that’s left is to chill them for a couple of days.” Oh. Wait. Shit. Yamcha grimaced. He hadn’t thought this through very well. He’d have to wait a few days for the balls to be ready. He thought about making a crack to the camera about how much of his life he’d spent waiting for balls, but most people wouldn’t interpret that as waiting for Dragon Balls and he didn’t think his joke would go over well. He got a shot of the container in the fridge and started cleaning up his kitchen.

As he cleaned, his mind drifted to his previous video. It had only been a few days since he first posted it, and already he had over a hundred views and a few comments. One of them had been from some kind of bot, which Yamcha deleted, but the rest were pretty complimentary. One of them said they’d tried making his recipe and they’d turned out fantastic. Yamcha was pretty proud of that one. Hopefully, if all went well, he’d actually generate at least a little revenue from this homebrew cooking show and be able to fix up his apartment. He eyed the crack in one of the walls. He wasn’t broke, per se, he just didn’t always have a lot of frivolous spending money.

He glanced at the basket that used to have peanut butter thumbprint cookies. Maybe he’d have more frivolous spending money if he stopped doing ridiculous, frivolous things like start an internet cooking show on a whim.

Well, he had the camera now, and he’d already had most of the ingredients. Unfortunately he’d ended up using the last of his rum, but sacrifices had to be made. Besides, in a few days he’d have delicious rum balls. Yamcha tried to pretend he wouldn’t eat all of them in one go, but he knew himself well enough to know it was a lie.

Maybe he should invite someone over to eat them with him. Not one of the Saiyans—if they were involved Yamcha wouldn’t get any. Bulma was always good for old time’s sake, and she’d always liked his cooking, but she had a newborn to take care of again. Krillin and 18 were always busy lately, and he wasn’t sure Piccolo even ate.

But there was always Tien. He’d come over and hang out whenever Yamcha asked. And if he got more alcohol in the times in between, they could have rum with rum balls.  
Yamcha grinned as he sat down at his computer to start editing the footage he already had. He was always the one going out to visit Tien. Now it was Tien’s turn.

~~~

“It’s been two hours,” Yamcha told the camera. He had it trained on his face. The viewfinder was turned towards him, showing that the camera was looking at part of his face and most of the fridge. “I’m going to die. Making stuff I have to wait for was a bad idea. Someone rescue me before I eat the entire batch in one go because I’ll do it.”

He turned the camera off and flopped on the couch. Maybe he was being a little melodramatic, but he’d always had a hard time with waiting to eat. It probably came from growing up eating whatever he could, whenever he could. And also being used to having to fight Goku for food. The more he thought about it, the more he wanted them, and the easier it was to convince himself he could grab just one, it’d be fine, no problem, one little rum ball wouldn’t kill him—

Yamcha hauled himself off the couch and hightailed it out of his apartment. He was going to go grocery shopping and plan his next episode and go visit Tien and maybe buy more alcohol. Anything to get him away from those damn rum balls.

~~~

“Rum balls?” Tien fidgeted nervously. “I don’t really drink.”

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it.” Yamcha waved him off. “There’s not really that much alcohol in them, and unless you eat the whole batch in one go you shouldn’t even get tipsy. Besides, I thought you said you just didn’t drink beer.”

Tien shrugged. “I don’t indulge much.”

“Well, indulge me a little here. Don’t make me eat the whole batch myself, Tien, you know I will.”

Tien wavered. “Alright, fine. But if you keep this up, I’m going to gain weight.”

Yamcha made a big show of looking Tien up and down, staring pointedly at his muscles. “Oh, yeah, you must have no metabolism at all. What in the world was I thinking.”

To his surprise, Tien’s ears turned red. “I just—like I said, I don’t indulge much.”

“Okay, okay, fine.” Yamcha poked him in the side. “Next time I’ll make something healthy to keep your little waist trim.”

“Thank you.” Tien looked out at his class, who were sparring with each other. “Hey, since you’re here, want to have an exhibition match? I know you’re not really dressed for it.” He eyed Yamcha’s jeans and Yamcha felt himself flush under his gaze. What was wrong with him? “But I can lend you some training clothes. It’d be good for the kids to see a couple of pros go at it.”

Yamcha grinned. “Kids? Tien, most of them are in their twenties.”

Tien gave him a flat look. “We’re old enough to be their dads.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me.” Yamcha grimaced. “Alright, fine, old man, get me some training clothes and I’ll take you to school.”

“Old man my ass.” Tien slugged him in the shoulder. “Wait here and we’ll see who gets schooled.”

~~~

Yamcha ached all over. He wasn’t permanently injured anywhere, and there was no bruising anywhere visible. But he hurt. Tien looked no worse for wear, either, but he moved stiffly and shifted a lot during supper. Yamcha did his best to suppress his smile. He might’ve been out of practise, and Tien had definitely beaten him in their exhibition match, but he still had a few tricks up his sleeve.

“Hey, can I ask a question?”

One of Tien’s students, the one at Yamcha’s right elbow, was looking down at him. Yamcha shrugged and swallowed his food. “Yeah, sure. Shoot.”

“Are you and sensei dating?”

Tien choked on his rice and Yamcha’s face flamed. “What? No! We’re not—we’ve never—that’s none of your business.” He turned away and shoved more grilled fish in his mouth, not meeting anyone’s eyes. How embarrassing. And then he’d made himself look even more suspicious by getting upset and flustered about it.

“It was just a question.” The student shrugged. “Me and Jin had a bet.”

“If you have time to be making bets about stupid things, you have time to dedicate to your training,” Tien snapped. “Tai and Jin, you two can do extra drills after dinner tonight.”

The student next to Yamcha and another one on the other side of the table groaned. “Way to go, Tai,” called the other student.

“It was your idea!” Tai yelled back.

“Actually, both of you can go do your drills now.” Tien shooed them out. “Go on, get started. Start with the kick we were working on this morning. You can stop when I tell you to.” Tien looked around at the rest of the students as the two left, grumbling. “Any other questions?”

Everyone went back to eating, avoiding Tien and Yamcha’s eyes.

“Don’t you think that was a little harsh?” Yamcha asked. “They were just curious.”

“Curious enough to bet on our love life.” Tien shook his head, then paused. “Our nonexistent love life. Because we don’t have one. Together, I mean. Or, well, I don’t have one at all, I don’t know what yours is like, but it’s not my business because it doesn’t involve me, and—”

“Tien, slow down.” Yamcha laid a hand on Tien’s arm. “I don’t really have a love life right now, either. It’s fine.”

“Oh.” Tien relaxed a little. “Alright then.”

Yamcha stretched. “I should probably be heading out, though. I’m sure it’s almost your bedtime.”

“You could stay the night, if you want,” Tien offered. “I’ve got a spare room.”

Yamcha hesitated. Not having to fly home with a bruised and aching body sounded nice. “Sure. Thanks.”

~~~

When Yamcha got home the next morning, the first thing he did was run himself a bath and make himself the strongest coffee he could. Tien didn’t have any coffee at the dojo, being a pretentious tea snob, and Yamcha was exhausted. He settled into the bath and cupped his hands around his mug, relaxing into the hot water. He could’ve stayed like that all day, but the water got cold and he ran out of coffee, so he forced himself to get moving.

He turned on his computer while he waited for another pot of coffee and scrounged around the kitchen for something to eat besides rum balls. There were still a few packages of instant noodles in the cupboard, so he put one of those on to boil and checked his video again. He’d gotten several more views and a few more comments, one of which asked if he’d ever do a video on cream puffs since they were difficult. He filed that away to think about later.

With his noodles and coffee ready, Yamcha settled in at the computer and set about making his channel look fancier. It didn’t really work. The best he could do was change his user icon to a picture of a wolf he found on the internet and make his background a photo of his kitchen. Yamcha sighed. Maybe he should ask someone else for help. Gohan, maybe. He probably knew more about computers than Yamcha did. Maybe he could give him a hand.

He replied to some of the comments, thanking them for watching his show and promising a new episode soon. By the time he was done, it was still only mid-afternoon. He checked his mail, wandered aimlessly around his apartment, and finally flopped on the couch with tea and a sports magazine. He needed more hobbies. Hopefully the show would help with that.

~~~

Tien sat at the table while Yamcha set up his camera. “I don’t know,” he said. “I’m not sure about this.”

“Come on, it’ll be fine.” Yamcha held up a rum ball. “You’ve just gotta eat this and give your honest reaction. And I promise there’s not very much alcohol in it.” He looked at his trays of cookies. He’d already filmed himself rerolling them in the icing sugar for the aesthetic and extra sweetness. Now he just wanted a shot of his “designated taste tester” eating one.

Tien still didn’t look sure, but he nodded. “Alright, shoot.”

Yamcha hit the record button and steadied it on Tien’s face. “And here’s Tien “Test Kitchen” Shinhan himself.”

“That is not my nickname,” Tien protested, picking up one of the cookies like it was going to bite him.

“Just eat the damn cookie, you weirdo.”

Tien bit into the ball, taking about half of it out with one bite. His eyes widened and Yamcha bit back a giggle at the way his third eye got bigger. There was something weirdly cute about it. “It’s good,” he said, surprise colouring his voice.

“You don’t have to sound so surprised. I know what I’m doing.”

“No, I mean…” Tien swallowed and looked up at Yamcha. “I don’t like rum, but I like these. They’re moist.”

“I didn’t let them sit for all that long,” Yamcha admitted. “If you want the rum flavour to come out more you’ve got to let them sit longer. And it’s a good thing you like them because we’re going to eat them until we’re sick.”

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” Tien said as Yamcha stopped recording. “I still have a dojo to run, and—”

“Tien.” Yamcha elbowed him. “It’s one time. It’ll be fine. Let me just record the ending and edit this footage and I’ll throw some actual dinner together.”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to cook you something?” Tien asked, standing up. “I’m not very fancy, but I can make a stir fry.”

Yamcha grinned. “That’d be great. Thanks!”

“Don’t thank me too much.” Tien threw a smile over his shoulder as he headed for the kitchen, and Yamcha’s stomach warmed. “I’m just trying to get supper faster.”

~~~

“So what do you think?” Yamcha popped another rum ball in his mouth and stared expectantly at Tien while he chewed.

“I don’t know.” Tien rolled a cookie between his fingers, watching it absently. “I’m not trying to get you to give me free food.”

Yamcha waved him off. “Hey, I said I’d make you something healthy next time, remember? I’m okay with giving you what I make for Wolf Fang Fillet. I want a taste tester, and I want you to be it.”

Tien scratched behind his ear and nodded. “I guess. I mean, I love your cooking so it’s not—that’s not what I’m objecting to. I just don’t want you to feel like you have to give me all your cooking, you know?”

“Like I said, don’t worry about it.” Yamcha went for another rum ball. “I wouldn’t have offered if I wasn’t okay with it.”

“I guess.” Tien popped his rum ball in his mouth and chewed thoughtfully. “Okay then. Next time you’re cooking something let me know so I can come over.”

Yamcha beamed. He had an audience who left comments on his videos, and he had a taste tester. Today was a good day.


	3. Grilled Salmon with Wild Rice and Root Vegetables

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamcha makes grilled salmon and has an existential crisis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Here's the recipe](http://allrecipes.com/recipe/12720/grilled-salmon-i/) that Yamcha makes in this chapter, though I added lemon juice to the marinade because what the fuck kind of fish marinade doesn't have lemon juice in it, I ask you
> 
> Also I changed the rating to T because there's a mention of boners at one point and I'm just trying to cover my ass.

Yamcha stared at the computer screen. He blinked, rubbed his eyes, and looked again. Yes, that comment was still there, in plain black and white, right at the top of the notifications of his cocoa rum ball video.

_So is this guy your boyfriend or what?_

Someone—Yamcha didn’t know who, their username was just “TwoForTea” which didn’t tell him much—thought he and Tien were dating. He rubbed his forehead. What was with people? Just because he and Tien spent a lot of time together and Yamcha made him food a lot and they’d been friends for a really long time didn’t mean they were going out. That was two people now who assumed they were dating and he hoped it didn’t become a trend.

He drummed his fingers on the desk and debated how to answer. Yamcha always did his best to reply to as many comments as he could. It wasn’t too hard since he didn’t get all that many. Most of them were general comments about the food, or saying that they’d tried the recipe and how it had turned out. A few asked questions about cooking, or requested videos about specific food items. Yamcha had a notebook with a list of things to make for the show in it, both things his viewers had requested and things he’d thought of himself. Most of the ones people requested were fairly complicated, but Yamcha was sure he could handle them.

This was the only question about his personal life, though. Yamcha sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Maybe it was best to just be honest.

_Tien isn’t my boyfriend,_ he typed. _We’ve known each other for a long time, and we’re really close friends. That’s all. Thanks for supporting the show!_

If nothing else, Yamcha tried to thank his viewers for watching. He hoped it would keep them coming back.

After hitting send, Yamcha flipped through his notebook. He’d promised Tien that he’d make him something healthy this time, so most of the baking recipes he’d wanted to do were out. It was probably for the best, anyway. He was starting to run low on flour and sugar. He’d have to do another grocery run before his next baking video.

An idea struck him. He still had some of the fish he’d bought on sale a few weeks ago sitting in his freezer. Salmon was healthy. Yamcha poked through his kitchen to make sure he had everything he’d need and made up a quick grocery list. He’d go shopping, and then he’d call Tien and find out when he wanted to come over for dinner.

~~~

“Hi there! Welcome to Wolf Fang Fillet. I’m Yamcha, and today we’re going to make grilled salmon and root veggies with wild rice.” Yamcha grinned at the camera and pointed at the countertop grill taking up half his table. “I promised my friend Tien I’d do something healthy for this video, and it’s supposedly healthier to grill things than to boil, bake, or fry them, so grilled fish it is! First, you’re going to make a marinade for your fish to sit in for a few hours. The longer your fish is in the marinade, the more it’ll soak up the flavour, so if you’re having this for dinner, make your marinade in the afternoon and leave it until it’s time to cook.”

He mixed up the lemon juice, soy sauce, brown sugar, water, and vegetable oil, pausing every so often to get a better shot. After putting the fish to marinate in the fridge, Yamcha started chopping vegetables, still pausing occasionally to change camera angles. Cooking for an audience took longer than cooking for himself. It was a bit of a pain, but he could deal with it. Cooking for an audience meant he was actually making a few bucks.

About halfway through chopping carrots, Yamcha’s buzzer went off. Startled, he looked at the clock. Tien was early. He’d told him to arrive around five thirty. The fish was nowhere near done marinating yet, let alone cooked.

“I know I’m early,” Tien said as he walked into the apartment. He had a bag in one hand and a sheepish flush to his face. “I figured maybe we could hang out.”

Yamcha folded his arms and leaned his hip against the table. “I thought it was hard training all day, every day for you.”

“We take every other afternoon and evening off.” Tien shrugged. “And Chiaotzu can handle them. I think some of them are a little afraid of him, actually.”

Yamcha giggled. “Well, he _does_ kind of look like a baby vampire.”

“Don’t let him hear you saying that,” Tien warned, “or you’ll have a stomachache for a week.” He held up the bag. “You left some clothes at my place last time. Where do you want them?”

“Just toss them on the bed, it’s fine. Thanks. Can you hold on a bit while I finish chopping this?” He gestured to his cutting board, covered in diced carrots. “I’m almost done, and then I can hang out.”

~~~

“How’s Puar?”

“She’s fine. She’s great, actually.” Yamcha sipped at his tea and glanced at the corner of the couch that was still covered in her fur. “She visits me all the time. I have a hard time going to her place because it’s kinda small, on account of her and her girlfriend being so little. So they come here instead. Usually we see each other every few days, three or four times a week.”

“I still can’t believe she actually moved out.” Tien shook his head. “I guess I always figured you two were a package deal, like me and Chiaotzu.”

Yamcha shrugged. “In some ways we still are, I think. She told me that next time I get a girlfriend I have to introduce her to Puar first.”

Tien gave a hollow laugh. “And when’ll that be, do you think?”

“Don’t you start.” Yamcha kicked him in the leg. “I don’t need you of all people reminding me of what a failure my love life is, especially after what’s-his-face the other night.”

“Oh, Tai and Jin.” Tien shook his head. “Sorry again for that.”

Yamcha curled into the arm of the couch, propping his knees up and facing Tien. “Nah, don’t worry about it. Oh, hey, funny story about that, actually. So I was looking at the comments on my videos yesterday, and someone asked if you were my boyfriend.” He grinned. “Weird, huh? Like, less than a day apart, two totally different people ask if we’re going out.”

“Yeah.” Tien’s voice was strangled. “Weird.”

Yamcha glanced at the clock. “Well, if we want to eat at a reasonable time, I’d better get started. Hey, would you work the camera for me? It’s a little difficult to do camera work and cook at the same time.”

Tien smiled, but something was a little off and distant about it. “Does the cameraman get compensated later?”

“I’m already feeding you, you greedy bastard,” Yamcha said, kicking Tien one last time before standing up and heading for the kitchen.

~~~

Yamcha waved and shut the door behind Tien before turning and resting his back against it. His hands ran through his hair. What the hell was wrong with him all of a sudden? He couldn’t stop thinking about how people kept asking if he and Tien were going out. Did they really give off that kind of vibe? What gave people that impression? And, most embarrassingly, what would it be like if they _did_ start going out?

Almost all of his thoughts had been in a similar vein all evening. He tripped over his words and kept catching himself staring at Tien. It was downright embarrassing. He was a grown man; he shouldn’t have been having these kinds of problems!

He rubbed a hand over his face and sighed. It wasn’t like he hadn’t thought about it before. Tien was a good looking man, after all, and Yamcha would have to be a blind idiot to not notice. But him and Tien? He wasn’t sure it would work. Tien wasn’t interested in romantic relationships, in the first place. And Yamcha didn’t like Tien. Not like that. They were just good friends, that was all.

Well, whatever. He had new footage to edit. Yamcha rubbed his eyes and looked at the clock. If he got on it now, the video could render overnight and he could post it in the morning. Stretching, Yamcha sauntered over to his computer and switched it on, perching in his uncomfortable desk chair. Maybe when he started making more than a few bucks from his videos he’d buy himself a fancier chair. One with actual cushioning.

He checked his videos again while he waited for his footage to load onto his computer, and startled when he saw TwoForTea in his notifications again. They’d replied to his reply. No one had done that yet.

_Wait, really? You guys sure seem like you’ve got the chemistry of an old married couple._

Yamcha flushed. Did they? No, that was ridiculous. They were just very good friends, nothing else. And Yamcha certainly didn’t _want_ them to be anything else. He was quite happy the way things were.

He closed the video and turned his attention to the footage he’d just shot. He didn’t he time for this. If he wanted to go to bed at a reasonable time, he had to start editing, not have an existential crisis over his relationship with Tien. Yamcha opened his editing software and started reviewing the video.

There was nothing remarkable for the first part of the footage. The opening went smoothly on the first try. He tossed out shots that were blurry, too dark, or too bright, and took the audio out of some clips where he wasn’t particularly funny. He could have done a lot worse with this one. Maybe some of his jokes fell flat in hindsight, but even so he’d gotten some good action shots in this one.

And then Tien showed up.

Yamcha hadn’t realised he’d left the camera on when Tien came in. He had a perfect view of his face as he talked with Tien. Something weird settled in his chest and he did his best to ignore it as he watched himself smile and chat. _“Well, he does kind of look like a baby vampire.”_ Good lord, had he actually _giggled_? He stared at his own face, watching the flush that came into his cheeks. Their banter continued, and he swallowed. TwoForTea was right. They did seem like a married couple. Yamcha caught himself twisting his hands and forced himself to pause the footage. He buried his face in shaking hands and tried to pull himself under control. This was normal, right? He and Tien had known each other for so long it was only natural to have that kind of relationship. There was nothing weird about it at all.

Except he’d known Goku for even longer, and Oolong and Krillin, and he didn’t really act like this with them. Or maybe he did, and he just hadn’t noticed, like with Tien. But no, there wasn’t really any “bantering” with Goku, he was a pretty straightforward guy. And Krillin was just generally sarcastic. And Oolong, well, he’d known Oolong for a long time, but they didn’t know each other all that well when it came down to it. Puar knew Oolong better, though she didn’t like him much. Of course out of all his friends he’d known Puar the longest, but she was like a little sister more than anything. No, the only person he’d ever had that kind of relationship with was Bulma, especially after they broke up.

So he treated Tien the same way he treated the woman he’d loved for most of his life.

Yamcha stood up and walked jerkily to his room. He couldn’t deal with this right now. This was a Morning Yamcha problem.


	4. Tonkatsu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamcha makes tonkatsu and has too many feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usually "too many feelings" is Tien's problem. Now it's Yamcha's! Because sharing is caring, kids.
> 
> [Here is the tonkatsu recipe](http://www.japanesecooking101.com/tonkatsu-deep-fried-pork-recipe/) I used for reference, and [here's the tonkatsu sauce recipe](http://allrecipes.com/recipe/222426/lucys-quick-tonkatsu-sauce/) I used. We have pork chops in the freezer right now at home and I sort of want to try making these now! Only we don't have a deep fryer so that's not going to work haha.
> 
> Also I lied! The boner reference is in this chapter. So there you go.

Morning Yamcha didn’t have many more answers than Night Yamcha did, but he did have coffee, which helped. Unfortunately, Morning Yamcha had also had a dream involving Tien and chocolate sauce, woken up happy, and been so embarrassed by it that he couldn’t do much about it besides lie in bed panicking until the problem went away on its own. Yamcha rubbed a hand over his face and yawned. There wasn’t enough coffee in the world for this.

He banished his screensaver and stared blankly at his computer screen. He’d just edit all that footage out, that was all. It wouldn’t be that big a deal. Nobody needed to know about any of it. In fact, he’d delete it entirely. Perfect. A solid plan. Yamcha selected the offending footage and slammed the delete key. A wave of guilt and relief washed through him as the footage disappeared. He squirmed in his seat and took a gulp of coffee. Whatever. It was done now. Yamcha didn’t need to see video of himself looking at Tien like he’d put the stars in the sky. He didn’t like Tien like that. And he didn’t need anything else to make him question that.

~~~

“A cooking show? That’s so cool!” Puar perched on a cushion, cup of tea in front of her, and beamed at Yamcha. “Maybe you’ll get really famous again! Wouldn’t that be funny?”

“Famous for cooking instead of baseball.” Yamcha laughed. “I guess I could handle that. I actually have to _work_ at cooking.”

Puar giggled. “You’ll have to send me a link to your channel so Rooibos and I can subscribe. I’ll get them to tell their coworkers, too.”

Yamcha grinned. “Sure, I’ll send it later. Actually, I just got paid for it for the first time!”

She clapped her paws. “That’s great!”

“Not really,” he admitted. “I didn’t even make enough to cover the cost of the camera.”

“It’s only been a week since you started.” Puar patted Yamcha’s knee. “It’ll take a little while. But if you keep to a consistent schedule, that might help.”

Yamcha grimaced. “My schedule depends on how long it takes me to have all the stuff I need for a recipe. And what I decide to do. I decided to do rum balls and forgot you have to let them chill until I’d already made them.”

Puar glanced at Yamcha’s kitchen. “Any ideas what to make next?”

“Tonkatsu,” Yamcha said without hesitation. “Someone online asked if I could show how to make the sauce, and I figured I should actually make the pork to go with it. Besides, pork chops were on sale last week, so I bought some.” He paused. “I should probably ask Tien if he eats pork. I can never remember if it’s him who doesn’t like it or Chiaotzu.”

“Tien?” Puar cocked her head. “Why Tien?”

“Oh.” Yamcha covered his mouth. He hadn’t meant to bring Tien up—he was trying _not_ to think about him. “No reason.”

Puar leaned forward, eyes sparkling. “Have you seen him lately? I was talking to Oolong the other day and he said he was being all hermity up in the mountains again. Is he doing okay?”

“Tien’s fine.” Yamcha sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He may as well tell her. “I’ve asked him to be my official taste tester, that’s all.”

“Aww.” Puar pouted. “Why didn’t you ask me?”

“No offense, Puar, but you’re so tiny you barely eat anything. I’d still end up eating most of the food I make by myself if I’d asked you.” He reached out and scratched her head. “I promise if I make something I know you love, though, I’ll get you on the show too.”

She purred. “I’ll hold you to that.”

~~~

Yamcha stripped off his shirt and tossed it into a corner of the living room. Why had he thought deep frying in the middle of summer heat was a good idea? Now he was sweltering. It had been pretty bad when he’d been baking, but now it was just awful. His hair was clipped up out of his face and off the back of his neck, but it didn’t help all that much.

Well, he was halfway done the video already. He couldn’t quit now. And Tien would be over soon, anyway. He flushed and shoved thoughts of Tien to the back of his mind. He still wasn’t ready to deal with all of that. Maybe in a few years.

He hoisted the camera so it was looking into the deep fryer. Back when he was younger and a little more frivolous with his money, he spent more money on kitchen appliances than anything else. It had unfortunately led to his current financial situation being not great, but on the bright side it meant he could make tonkatsu for his video instead of just the sauce. “Okay, so here’s how you test the oil to make sure it’s hot enough,” he said. He dropped a pinch of breadcrumbs into the oil. “If they float back up right away, the oil’s ready. Looks like the oil needs a few more minutes.” Yamcha stopped recording and glanced at the clock. The sauce was done and had been sitting for nearly an hour. Tien should be there soon.

As if on cue, the buzzer went off. Yamcha rushed to answer it, not wanting to leave the deep fryer unattended for too long. Less than a minute later Tien rushed into the apartment, red in the face. “I’m so sorry I’m late,” he sputtered. “I was helping a student with his form and got kind of carried away and ended up losing track of time.”

Yamcha waved him off. “Help me film this last bit and all is forgiven.” He handed Tien the camera and scurried back into the kitchen to check the oil again.

“Shit it’s hot in here. Can I open a window or something?”

Yamcha shrugged. “If you want, I guess. I just went with the shirtless method.”

“Yeah, I see that.” Yamcha glanced at Tien and saw him tugging his shirt over his head, folding it, and draping it over a chair. “Okay, I’m ready if you are.”

“Alright, come over here.” Yamcha picked up one of the pork chops with his chopsticks and held it over the fryer. “Focus on the deep fryer and my hands.” When Tien gave him a nod, he started adding the pork chops to the fryer. “Okay, get a shot of them cooking away in there.”

“You’re not going to say anything?” Tien asked, maneuvering around Yamcha to get the shot he’d asked for. “I saw your videos, and usually you narrate what you do.”

Yamcha shrugged uncomfortably. He was pressed right behind Tien, a little too close for comfort. Several thoughts ran through his mind and he shook all of them out. “I’ll add it in post,” he said, doing his best to slide out from behind Tien as discreetly as possible. “The fryer is too loud to be heard, anyway.”

Tien twisted to look at him. “Do you know how to do that?”

“Uh.” Yamcha looked away. “There’s tutorials on the internet.”

For the first time since entering the apartment, Tien smiled. Yamcha’s stomach lurched. Wow. “I’m proud of you, learning all these new skills.”

“It’s not that hard.” Yamcha scratched the scar on his cheek and grinned. “But thanks.”

A silence followed while Yamcha tried to think of something to say. “I need to turn them,” he finally said, nudging Tien out of the way. Now Tien was standing too close behind him, and he wasn’t sure if that was better or worse. Tien’s bare chest was sweaty against Yamcha’s back as he leaned in to get a better shot of Yamcha’s hands. He was warm all over, and not from the fryer.

“Yamcha,” Tien murmured, and Yamcha gulped. He’d never realised how much he wanted to feel his name rumble in Tien’s chest and suddenly he was noticing hard and it was distracting and weird and sexy and— “How long until they’re done?”

“Oh!” Yamcha yelled, way too loudly. “Yes! Soon! Okay, go get the rice please!” As Tien turned the camera off and moved out from behind Yamcha, Yamcha breathed a sigh of relief. He had a problem.

~~~

“Open wide!”

“This is embarrassing.” Tien folded his arms and looked away, and if Yamcha didn’t know better he’d swear he was pouting. “I can feed myself.”

“It’s more fun this way. Come on, Tien, do it for the video!” Yamcha grinned and waved the tonkatsu at him. “Here you go!”

Sighing and looking back at Yamcha, Tien wryly opened his mouth. Yamcha stuck the pork in his mouth and grinned when Tien’s lips closed around it. He watched Tien chew thoughtfully before swallowing. “Huh. I haven’t had tonkatsu in a while. Chiaotzu doesn’t like it, so we don’t eat it, and it’s not very good for you.” He smiled. “But it’s a nice indulgence. Good job, Yamcha.”

Yamcha flushed at the praise. “Glad you like it. Okay, let’s—”

“Hold up.” Tien stood and turned the camera towards Yamcha. “Your turn.”

“Pardon?” Yamcha blinked as Tien picked up his own chopsticks and snagged a piece of Yamcha’s tonkatsu, holding it out. “Say ahh, Yamcha.”

Yamcha blushed and leaned back. “You don’t have to—”

“Oh, I want to.” Tien leaned forward, bracing one hand on the arm of Yamcha’s chair. “Eat up.”

Obediently, Yamcha opened his mouth and accepted the offering, eyes glued to Tien’s. Tien didn’t move away until Yamcha swallowed, staying close and maintaining eye contact. Yamcha licked his lips. “O-okay. Let’s eat then.”

~~~

Yamcha buried his face in his arms. Oh, this was bad. He had a problem. The footage from earlier that night played on his screen, and he peeked out from his arms to watch himself watch Tien. He couldn’t keep his eyes off Tien, off his face, his chest, his arms, everything that was bare to him. Yamcha groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. It wasn’t like he’d never seen Tien shirtless before. Hell, he’d seen him pantsless at the Budokai that one time! This shouldn’t be so big of a deal!

Although, now that he thought about it, whenever Tien was shirtless Yamcha had always had a hard time keeping his eyes to himself. He bit his lip. How far back did this problem go, exactly?

The kicker, though, was when Tien fed Yamcha. He’d positioned the camera to get a perfect profile of both of them, Tien all but trapping Yamcha in his chair, both of them shirtless and almost intimately close. He saw his own face flare red, their eyes never leaving each other. It was just eating tonkatsu, but it seemed so intense. Yamcha buried his face in his arms again. He had the worst problem ever.

~~~

By the time the video finished rendering at two in the morning, Yamcha was a sleepless wreck. He set it to upload and dragged himself around the apartment, waiting for it to load. After his dream a few days ago, and his revelations a few hours ago, he was afraid to go to sleep. If he went to bed he’d have another dream and dig himself even deeper.

Yamcha rubbed his eyes. Okay. So. He was attracted to Tien on some level. No big deal. Lots of people had a thing for their best friend. As long as he didn’t think about it or act on it in any way, it wouldn’t get weird. It was how he’d eventually gotten over Bulma, after all.

Except getting over Bulma had taken a couple of years. Yamcha sighed, turning it into a yawn halfway through. This was all way more complicated than he’d expected. It was bullshit. He’d never signed up for this. All he wanted was to make a few bucks off some cooking videos. He didn’t want to discover long-dormant feelings about his best friend.

The really shitty thing was that it made things make sense in a weird way all of a sudden. How he’d always had a weird feeling when he saw Tien shirtless. The way he looked at Tien when he forgot he was being recorded. All those times when they were training or just hanging out and Yamcha always gravitated towards Tien. How quickly he always decided he wanted to spend time with Tien over anyone else he knew.

He sat down heavily in the middle of the living room floor. Oh no. He didn’t just have “some level” of attraction towards Tien. He had a full blown big stupid crush on him.

_Fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey if anyone has any suggestions for what kind of stuff to have Yamcha make on his show hit me up because all I know are a few cookie recipes and macaroni and cheese.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Wolf Fang... Fic?!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10851750) by [TauntingTyrant](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TauntingTyrant/pseuds/TauntingTyrant)




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